My mind cannot really touch Anaadhi no matter how hard it tries. There is not even one single tangible thing that I can pin down and say, “Ahh…yes, THIS was Anaadhi.” There were many, many beautiful and exuberant events, Buddha Purnima and Guru Purnima celebrations, extended daytime sathsangs with Sadhguru, nightly darshans with Sadhguru – too many blessings to be conceived. But all of this was not Anaadhi either.
All along my attitude has been, “Oh, Sadhguru is so fierce,” so I was waiting for the ‘big blast’ and working hard to be a ‘strong yogi’– what foolishness! My experience of Anaadhi was not a big blast. It was not an explosion of ecstasy or a massive dawning of realization. Anaadhi steadily burned and I was coasting on the high energies throughout –it was perhaps the ‘cool flame’ Sadhguru explained we were to become.
Only on the last day, after Sadhguru had left iii, did I catch a glimpse of what he had imparted to us. That day we were instructed to practice our new sadhana for the full day. As I was exiting the hall that evening, there were quite a few participants still completing their practice. As I passed them by one-by-one, I was stunned. Each participant I looked at, without a single exception, had a very refined, bright ‘glow’ about them. It looked as if light was emanating from them and surrounding them like little beacons scattered throughout the hall. “My GOD, they’re all shining!” I thought.
Now, some weeks later, I am realizing that Anaadhi the program may be over, but the potency of the process is very much ‘on’ and its impact on me is still growing, and that is what matters to me now. Everything has become so simple. I am dramatically freer within myself and with others.
Anaadhi is there in the gentler way that I move, walk, and talk. It is there in the more loving way I see and receive other people. It is there in the lighter nature of my thoughts. Everything is fun. I have always been one to sing in the shower – much to the regret of others. Now I sing in the kitchen, the laundry room – everywhere. I’m full of song, always singing.
It feels that there has been a massive deletion of various hang-ups, attachments, and judgments. I really have no sense of want or need for much of anything. When some desire does arise in my mind, it’s not sticking. I have no sense of fear or aversion to much of anything – the emotion is not there. I have nothing to prove to myself nor to impress or be accepted by anyone else. I am a person without problems – everything is just a situation to enjoy or manage, if necessary. That is all.
I’m floating through life quite effortlessly – taking up whatever is in front of me easily and feeling so carefree about most anything and everything. How is it that life can be this simple? It is absolutely amazing to me.
If I look back five, six years ago, I wonder from where had I gathered all my complexity, drama, complication, anxiety, depression, anger? From where had I collected all that garbage? So unconsciously I had perpetuated and amplified all that nonsense and believed it was real! My mind still searches to complicate things, but there is nothing there for it to grab on to. I see that it is simply grappling to create issues, ideas and opinions, only to sustain itself. The moment I see this, I can let that effort drop away and just be.