The Chemistry of Love
Shekar Kapur, Oscar Award winning film maker, discusses the chemistry of love with Sadhguru.
Shekhar Kapur: Sadhguru, the most discussed thing in this world is relationships. One relationship that is causing more anger than anything else is man-woman love. Tell me about the nature of it. Is there something we can find in a marriage that takes it beyond the everyday stresses and strains?
Sadhguru: There is no such thing as man-dog love, man-woman love, man-mother love, man-son love, man-daughter love. Love is just a certain sweetness of emotion. The method – how you are arriving at it – is the only question.
The man-woman thing is a compulsive love affair. Nature is pushing you towards each other because nature is interested in only one thing – perpetuating herself. They have to come together somehow. Otherwise you and me wouldn’t be born. This is a compulsive need. This is one love affair that is chemically supported by nature.
For most of these love affairs, unfortunately, once the chemistry runs out, they wonder why the hell they are together. So, before the chemistry runs out, you are supposed to establish a different level of conscious love affair which is beyond the chemistry. If that doesn’t happen, it turns ugly.
The bodily chemistry plays up certain things according to its needs. The moment the need is satisfied, you wonder why the hell you are here. That is nature’s trick. When you were 10 or 11 years of age, everything was fine with the world. Then, your intelligence got hijacked by your hormones, and the whole world looked different all of a sudden. The chemistry had hijacked you. There’s nothing wrong or right about it, it’s just limited. Is being limited a crime? – No. But the nature of the human being is such, he suffers limitations. He doesn’t like them.
What you are referring to as love is basically the sweetness of your emotion. If you look at this carefully, naturally your innermost longing is to be free of every human being on the planet, to be free of everything so that you can be just the way you want to be. Once a human being becomes more aware of his own nature, he begins to experience love, blissfulness and ecstasy. Even to experience orgasmic ways of life, you actually don’t need anybody. If you just sit here, you can make it happen within yourself because after all, it’s your body, it’s your mind, it’s your emotion, it’s your chemistry and you are the one who is creating all the experiences of your life. So, if it’s self-created, right now, if you sit here, would you choose to maintain the sweetness of your mind, body, emotion and energy or would you like something bitter?
Shekhar Kapur: I’d prefer sweetness.
Sadhguru: So you would naturally be loving. When you see a man and a woman, you are talking about a relationship. There are different aspects to it – social, physical, psychological or an economic angle to it. We form relationships with a variety of people in our lives. You have business relationships, personal relationships and professional relationships. We form relationships basically to fulfill certain types of needs or to fulfill somebody else’s needs, whichever way it is. But what you refer to as love is just the sweetness of your emotion. You can use another person to stimulate that within you.
A union of two beings
Shekhar Kapur: But is it possible for two people together beyond the chemistry or hormones, to be starters for each other and continue that relationship?
Sadhguru: If you have to really be with somebody, you have to give up a part of yourself in some way. So, the English expression, “falling in love,” is very significant. You can only fall into it. You can’t stand in it, you can’t climb in it – you have to fall into it. One who thinks too much of himself cannot be in a love affair. Somewhere, you have to surrender a part of yourself to be in a love affair.
Shekhar Kapur: But in this weaving as you called it, is it possible for you to be with another person that becomes, and I’m just guessing here, that becomes the conduit towards your own self-realization? Is that a possibility? Could that be a basis of a relationship?
Sadhguru: It is definitely a possibility, but it’s a risky possibility. You may just get entangled and lost in so many complexities of a relationship rather than finding the ultimate nature. I’m not saying it’s not possible. It’s very much possible. So, that is why, in India, when we got people married, we tied what is called mangal sutra. There is a way of taking a strand of energy from you and your partner and tying it up in a certain way so that beyond your logic, beyond your understanding, beyond your psychological, emotional and physical needs, somewhere deep inside, two beings are tied together, two lives are tied together. So we always said that this is a lifelong tie, you cannot break it. If you break it, you have to tear two lives apart because it was a kind of a union. If you listen to all the mantras chanted in the weddings, they are talking about how these two beings are being welded together.
These marriages which were done in a certain way, were never about you. It was always about the other person. If both the people think like this, it’s a beautiful place to be. If only one person thinks like that, it becomes exploitation. If both the persons don’t think like that, it’s just a compulsive relationship, me trying to extract something from you, you trying to extract something from me. It’s a conflicting situation all the time.