How to Deal with an Exploitative Spouse?
Responding to a question about exploitative relationships, Sadhguru explains that meditativeness is an important quality to bring into our lives and our families, rather than trying to fix the other person. Meditativeness fundamentally means to become in such a way that we are not the source of the problem – wherever we are, we are a solution.
Questioner: Sadhguru, Namaskaram (Pause).
Sadhguru: I didn’t say anything (Laughter).
Questioner: Sadhguru, how to conduct oneself when, you know, when you have a very exploitative spouse, you know?
Sadhguru: You’re talking about how to conduct him or yourself?
Sadhguru: No, actually you want to know how to fix him, right?
Questioner: No, Sadhguru.
Sadhguru: (Laughs) So you want him to… You want him to be conduct… continue to be an exploitative spouse, and you want to learn how to be part of that (Laughter)?
Questioner: I’m unable to understand how to deal with this situation.
Sadhguru: No, this is what – first you must understand – do you want to deal with him or yourself?
Questioner: Myself, Sadhguru.
Sadhguru: No (Laughter). Let’s be straight, come on. We want to fix him, don’t we (Laughter / Applause)? Enna maa? Hmm? (Speaks in Tamil - not transcribed) (Laughs)?
So this is very important. I’m particularly talking to you. Please sit down. It’s very important that we are straight with life, do you understand? What you want is your husband fixed, but because you’re sitting in front of me you’re saying, “Sadhguru, how do I fix myself to fit into this exploitation?” (Laughter) - which is not the truth (Laughs). You want to know how to fix the man. Yes or no? Please tell me, all the ladies (Laughter). If you perceive him – we don’t know what he is – we’re not talking about your husband. I do not know what he is, but if you perceive him as exploitative, obviously you want to fix him, isn’t it? If you perceive yourself as a problematic wife, then maybe some thought about, “Maybe I want to fix myself,” will come up. When you perceive somebody as exploitative, the intention is to fix them, isn’t it? But we wouldn’t want to be straight about that because the culture doesn’t tell you… the culture tells you “Fixing your husband is not a good thing – you must fix yourself (Laughs).”
So if you get a headache, go for a foot surgery – then the foot will be aching more than the head (Laughter) – kind of fixed (Laughter). At least your attention is gone. So it’s time… If we are concerned about life it’s time that we are one hundred percent straight, at least with ourselves. Maybe in the world, we don’t know what profession you have, what situations you have, we don’t know how straight you can be – I will not interfere with that, but at least (Laughs) with yourself you must be hundred percent straight - very important. Otherwise, neither yourself nor your life situations will ever get fixed, simply complaining and going on. Life will be a lifelong complaint for a whole lot of people because they don’t want to address it, they want to beat around it.
So, husband-fixing program we must do (Laughter). No, we have fixed a whole lot of them, because they become meditative and suddenly their exploitative nature went away because now they’re busy with something else. So I… I don’t want to get into a personal situation right now here, but you must bring meditativeness into you and into your family. This is something we have to invest into life now. If you’re not able to fix your husband, at least you must have a wish that the next generation of husbands are not exploitative. If you’re interested in that, you must make sure your little boy that you have right now, you must fix him now with some meditation. Yes. Meditation is not about fixing him against something. It is just that meditativeness means to become in such a way that you are not the source of the problem. Wherever you are, you’re a solution, you’re not a problem.
If you become a solution, everybody will want you wherever you are, isn’t it? Whether it’s your workplace, your family, on the street, wherever - whoever seems like a solution, that person everybody wants. Yes or no? Either you are a problem or you are one who complains about problems – nobody wants to see your face. You must know this (Laughs). But if you’re a solution, everybody wants you everywhere, including your husband. He will desperately want you if you are a solution to his life. Yes? So first thing… Should I go into this (Laughs)? No, you know the family solution how it is… (Gestures) (Few laugh) We must understand, whether it’s education, marriage, work, career, business, whatever – all these things are extra fittings to our lives to make it… to make it better, to make it more wonderful. Yes? You’re fine as it is – you want extra fittings, because you think you will improve it by doing it, isn’t it? Yes or no?
You go to school because you think it’ll improve your life. You get married because you think it’ll improve your life. Essentially it’s an addition, it’s an add-on. You don’t want to add a problem to your life; you would want to add something which makes you more beautiful, better in every way. But certain aspects of life – well, almost everything, people cling to it so badly. Now, the burden of carrying extra fittings all over the place becomes so painful (Laughs), that sitting, standing becomes painful and it looks… everything seems exploitative. I’m not saying they’re not exploitative. It is just that it’s a mutual exploitative process. You try to milk happiness out of somebody, somebody tries to milk something else out of you. If you take the responsibility of making yourself the way you want yourself to be… I’m going back to the introductory program. Intro… Free introductory program – you forgot that, Isha Yoga (Laughter)?
If you make yourself the wan… you want yourself to be, you would be naturally joyful. You would be naturally, one hundred percent pleasant within yourself if you make yourself the way you want yourself to be. Without doing that, you had no business to get married, if you ask me. At least one life could have been saved (Laughter). Because if it is about enhancing your life… You got… You’re getting married to enhance your life. No, you’re getting married because everybody’s getting married - that’s what is happening. No, that must stop. You should not get married because everybody is getting married. You should not get a job because everybody is getting one. You should not go to school because everybody is going to school. You should go to wherever you go with a specific purpose as to what you want out of it.
If we cannot bring that much sense into ourselves in twenty-first century, then we must send you back in time (Laughs). Yes, it’s time, but, “That’s okay, Sadhguru, they have already got me married.” This also is there, “They got me married.” (Laughter) No, you could’ve run away (Laughter). Nobody can get you married. Somebody will try to convince you, somebody will try to force you a little bit because they know you never said a clear “yes or no” to anything, how else to deal with you? Compel you to do something (Laughs), otherwise you will do nothing (Laughs). Whole lot of people are like this. So it’s important – not just you as a person, I’m saying everybody – it’s important we understand… we need to understand if we don’t make this (Referring to oneself) piece of life a pleasant piece of life, first of all – this the fundamental thing – if you do this, after that you decide whether you need marriage, you don’t need marriage, you need children, you don’t need children, all these things you decide later. When this (Referring to oneself) is miserable, you have no business to multiply it. Yes or no?
Misery – “I can’t get along with my husband. I can’t get along with my wife.” Already children, children, children coming, why (Laughter)? If you cannot get along, how is this happening (Laughter)? Because… because we have chosen to live unconsciously. We have chosen to live with the compulsions of the less evolved creatures on this planet. With animal-like compulsions we want to live. We don’t want to live consciously. I’m not saying live this way or that way. Whatever the hell you do, you do it by choice and consciously, that’s all - knowing the full implications of what it means. Yes? That much responsibility everybody must take, isn’t it? If you do not bring (it) into this, you will be a lifelong complaint. I will not tell you how to deal with your marriage. You bring this much into your life. Before marriage, “No Sadhguru, I didn’t want, but my parents, you know, I got married.” After marriage, “I don’t want to live in this bari… marriage, but my children, you know?” (Laughter) After the children have grown up, “But, you know, I have to wait for my grandchildren.” (Laughter)
Tch. See, you have made yourself in such a way that you are a result of an unconscious process, you are not a result of a conscious process. When you are a result of an unconscious process, you are bound to be a miserable accident. Yes. It’s time every human being takes responsibility to at least change this much, then we can talk about big things – reaching the peak of your consciousness, mukthi, moksha. Don’t utter these words cheaply (Laughs). Don’t utter these words. First fix the fundamentals. The fundamentals are just this – whatever the hell you are right now, it’s yours. Either you must have the courage to change it or you must learn to settle into it. Yes? Yes or no? You must… Either you must have the courage to change it or you must learn to settle into it, one of these things you must do. Simply endless complaint for the rest of your life is no good. Not good for you, not good for anybody. At least let your… let your hun… husband enjoy the exploitation that he does (Laughs) – whatever he’s doing, poor man (Laughter).
Who knows what he’s doing, what he’s not doing. It is just that we must understand if we are in a certain state, everything feels like it’s against us. You fix this (Referring to oneself), after that you decide which way your life should be. You stay there, there’s a consequence, you get out, there’s a consequence. Everything there is a consequence. But at least let it be a conscious consequence instead of being a helpless, unconscious state of existence. Hmm? Just one more. Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah (Referring to many participants raising their hands) (Laughter).