Anxiety-free Relationships – Are They Possible?

Sadhguru answers a question on why relationships often become burdened with anxiety, and how we can fix such situations.
Anxiety-free Relationships – Are They Possible?

Sadhguru answers a question on why relationships often become burdened with anxiety, and how we can fix such situations.

Question: Much of the anxiety I experience comes through my relationships. Isn’t it reasonable to expect some understanding from other people?

Sadhguru: When you live in this world, there are various types of complex interactions happening. As your field of play increases, the complexity of interaction also goes on increasing. If you are just sitting in a cubicle working on your computer with only one other person, you need only a little understanding. If you are managing a thousand people, you need a vast understanding of everyone. Suppose you are managing a thousand people and you want all these people to understand you, you are not going to manage anything. You need to understand the limitations and capabilities of these thousand people and do what you can. Only then will you have the power to move the situation the way you want it to go. If you are waiting for these thousand people to understand you and act, it is a pipe dream. It is never going to happen.

Question: Suppose somebody is in a close relationship with me and is very important to me. Shouldn’t I expect better understanding from them?

Sadhguru: That’s the point. The closer the relationship is, the more effort you should make to understand them. It so happened, once there was a man who had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, with his wife staying at his bedside night and day. When he came to, in those few moments of consciousness, he motioned for her to come closer. As she sat beside him, he said, “I’ve been thinking…you have been with me through all the bad times in my life. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business went down the tube, you were there working overtime and doing night shifts. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house in that legal clash, you were right there beside me. Now my health is failing, and you are still by my side. When I consider all this, I think you only bring me bad luck!”

The closer the relationship is, the more effort you should make to understand them.

This is exactly what you are doing to yourself and to your relationships. Someone becomes closer and dearer to you only as you understand them better. If they understand you, they enjoy the closeness of the relationship. If you understand them better, you enjoy the closeness.

Question: This is easier said than done. It is difficult to always be there...

Sadhguru: It is not that the other person is totally bereft of understanding. With your understanding you can create situations where the other person would be able to understand you better. If you are expecting the other to understand and comply with you all the time while you don’t understand the limitations, possibilities, needs and capabilities of that person, conflict is all that will happen. It is bound to happen.

You should enhance your understanding to such a point that you can look beyond people’s madness also.

Unfortunately, the closest relationships in the world have more conflict going on than between India and Pakistan. In your relationships, you have fought many more battles than they have. This is because your line of understanding and theirs is different. If you cross this L.O.C., this Line of Control, they will get mad. If they cross it, you get mad. If you move your understanding beyond theirs, their understanding also becomes a part of your understanding. You will be able to embrace their limitations and capabilities. In everyone, there are some positive things and some negative things. If you embrace all this in your understanding, you can make the relationship the way you want it. If you leave it to their understanding, it will become accidental. If they are very magnanimous, things will happen well for you. If not, the relationship will break up.

All I am asking is: do you want to be the one who decides what happens to your life? Whether they are close relationships, professional, political, global or whatever, don’t you want to be the person who decides what happens in your life? If you do, you better include everything and everyone into your understanding. You should enhance your understanding to such a point that you can look beyond people’s madness also. There are very wonderful people around you, but once in a while they like to go crazy for a few minutes. If you don’t understand that, you will lose them. If you do, you know how to handle them.

Life is not always a straight line. You have to do many things to keep it going. If you forsake your understanding, your capability will be lost. Whether it is a question of personal relationships or professional management, in both places you need understanding. Otherwise, you won’t have fruitful relationships.

Editor’s Note: Excerpted from Mystic’s Musings. Not for the faint-hearted, this book deftly guides us with answers about reality that transcend our fears, angers, hopes, and struggles. Sadhguru keeps us teetering on the edge of logic and captivates us with his answers to questions relating to life, death, rebirth, suffering, karma, and the journey of the Self. Download the sample pdf or purchase the ebook.

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5 years 3 months ago

This is about 2 persons whom I wish disappear from my life altogether. One knows me from my childhood(hereafter called "P") and the other I met when I was about 17(hereafter called "Q"). P and Q bonded with each other and have now forged a sweet friendship because they know me in common. Q told some 'x', 'y' and 'z' about me to P. Following that P repeatedly uttered a specific word(keyword) to trigger me to talk on those matters. I sensed the plot and just kept quiet. I was in silence for two reasons. FIRST, I strongly believe that if I ever wish to share something(good or bad) with someone, its best done out of the sheer joy of sharing. If anything(important or unimportant) is left unsaid, I would be happy having it untold forever. SECOND, making a comment amidst these people will only add annoyance to the prevailing nuisance. They are utterly desperate to know about others. Just interested, and in every way unconcerned(truth that I knew very late). Appa often recalls this saying; "I HAVE OFTEN REGRETTED WHY I HAD SPOKEN AND NEVER THAT I HAD BEEN SILENT". That's too true. So, I was tight-lipped. Of course, will continue being so. Given the longer time she knew me for, P could have had absolute disregard for what Q had to say, or if the comment did matter much, could have brought Q's reality to me and let me know what she was doing behind me. Instead, P paired up with Q and came up with a keyword to dig my mouth or mind or whatever, and thus wanted to cover up their closeness/togetherness before me. I wish Sadhguru and Bhairavi wipe out these people from my life. I'm very better off without them. These pretend to be so loving and caring. WHO NEEDS SUCH DRAMA? ALL THAT MATTERS IS TRUST THAT WHATEVER HAPPENS, YOUR LOVED ONE IS WITH YOU THROUGH YOUR LIFE. I would say its a huge blessing that atleast now I know how P isn't as closer as I thought and Q isn't as sweet as she sounds.

5 years 3 months ago

Sadhguru asks parents not to teach their kids respect, but to let them know and experience love because respect can wax/wane over time, but love can lead to inclusiveness and more.

5 years 2 months ago

Namaskaram Sadhguru I mean in close relation some body goes out of home till they return it's a tension, I am confused is it the habit of being with the person or bonding, if so could you please help me out Sadhguru,please I need it, please

5 years ago

Very well said! Enhanced my understanding on relationships!

4 years 10 months ago

Worry free relationships are definitely possible, very possible, as long as your always open with your partner. There will always be some slight anxiety I guess from time to time, but it shouldn't be about infidelity of anything like that.

3 years 7 months ago

When love comes respect automatically follows. We can not teach respect to anyone. It is impossible to teach. But it comes.