To Remarry or Not To Remarry?

In this week's Spot Sadhguru answers a question regarding the need to remarry or not, especially for a single parent struggling emotionally and feeling the pain of the void caused for the child by an absent parent.
 
 
 
 

Dear Sadhguru, I am divorced and have a six-year-old son. At times, I actually feel there is a void in me.  I feel so deprived of love that I feel I need to remarry, and my son keeps questioning why he doesn’t have a father figure at home. I’m really confused…please help me.

......thinking that “The child’s biological father did not work, if I bring in another man, everything is going to be fine” is a very dangerous idea.

Let’s talk about children generally, first. In today’s world, a child is not an automatic happening after marriage. There was a time when there was no other way. If you got married, children kept coming. But in today’s world, a child is not automatic, it is generally planned. You must understand that once you have a child, you have a twenty-year project. If your child is very competent, a fifteen, sixteen-year project. So when you choose or decide to have a child, you must be ready for at least a fifteen-year project. If you don’t have that commitment, you shouldn’t get into this; it is not necessary because no child is knocking on your womb and saying, “Get me born.” If you are not sure whether you can provide this kind of support or not, you shouldn’t get into that misadventure of producing children.

Thinking just one more marriage will settle the child is a very wrong idea. I am not saying it will not settle it, maybe it will. But just thinking that “The child’s biological father did not work, if I bring in another man, everything is going to be fine” is a very dangerous idea. I would say such things work only ten percent of the time. Ninety percent of the time it creates more problems than solutions. I am not questioning why you broke your marriage, it is up to you. If you have chosen to break it, you must at least make yourself competent to play the role of being a complete parent for the child in every possible way. But because you are longing for something else, the child also longs along with you. Please do not bring up your children in such helpless ways that they are always longing for someone who is not there.

You may have an eight-year-old boy. How much time does your eight-year-old want to spend with you? Barely any. He is busy with his own stuff -- unless you made him into such a helpless creature that he has to cling to you all the time, otherwise he has his own things to do. That is the nature of life; children have their own things to do. You just have to keep one eye open to see that they don’t end up doing wrong things for themselves. They don’t have to do everything with you.

So, if you want to remarry – that is up to you. That is a choice you have to make. Don’t put it on the boy. Make the boy in such a way that he neither needs you nor his father. He is fine by himself. He just needs your support and care, nothing else.  Whatever you do, there will be a consequence. If you do not get married, there will be one kind of consequence. If you remarry, there will be another kind of consequence - one you have already experienced, so you may be able to handle it better - we don’t know. But both will have their consequences. And consequences need not necessarily be pleasant or unpleasant. It simply depends on how you carry them with you. If you joyfully carry the consequence, it will be a labor of love. Otherwise, it will be just labor.

Love & Grace

 
 
  48 Comments
 
 
Login / to join the conversation1
 
 
6 years 1 month ago

@ subash - Real nonsense thoughts! You have to have an open mind to understand the depth of the advice given by sadhguru.
He clearly tells the lady its up to her to decide if she wants to remarry, he says only - dont quote the son as the reason!

5 years 8 months ago

I completely agree with you. I am really saddened when I see even long-term Isha meditators judge fellow seekers based on their life-situations.
I understand that it's difficult to completely shed past conditioning, but it's sad to witness how judgemental even long-term seekers are about divorce and marital break-ups

6 years 1 month ago

The questioner mentioned she has a son, and hence "boy" is used in that context. Pls read properly.

4 years 6 months ago

Reading all the comments just made me smile. Everyone have different opinions about her life only she knows what she is going through..generally this is how our minds works analyze a problem right.. Let's read and enjoy the content and carry on with our life. If we don't like it we let go if we like it we accept. The great masters have told and reminded us many times no matter what others say don't follow blindly. At the end she will find her pathway. Good read I would say.

6 years 1 month ago

Sadhguru's message contains everything. A child requires just a good enjoyable childhood and a safe & secure future, so far as the child is concerned. These simple things a mother can afford. Rest is mother's life.

6 years 1 month ago

The clarity of thought amazed me.. I think if we understand what a child wants, anyone be a father or mother can be complete parent to him/her.

Pranams

5 years 8 months ago

Please stay strong. At the end of the day, it's your life and your choice.
People will always judge and condemn no matter what your life situation. It is very difficult for Indians to be non-judgemental and non-intrusive about divorce.
Everyone feels that it is their birth-right to judge divorced women; without understanding what caused the divorce.

I want to ask Sadhguru:given the sacredness of the marriage vows, what should women do if they end up in an abusive, exploitative marriage. Does karma have a role to play in what kind of partner you attract?

6 years 1 month ago

Because she happens to have a 6 year old son, not daughter.

4 years 5 months ago

Namaskaram Sadhguru does really shani time or movement of plantes effects marital life? could you please throw somelight on it ?

6 years 1 month ago

As usual deeply insightful. Both the parents should bear in mind that a child is a 15 - 20 year project and behave with responsibility - choose partners with care and debate before having kids. and thereafter create an atmosphere where the kids automatically blossoms into a great being.

6 years 1 month ago

hmm.. Tough message! Difficult to implement for mortals like us. But I guess the right way to go! I particularly like what Sadhguru says about making your kid not dependent on anyone. I used to feel proud that my kid misses me whenever I travel out of home. But I guess thats not a great thing for the kid!

5 years 8 months ago

Absolutely. I understand what Sadhguru is saying about not entering marriage with unreasonable expectations.
Every marriage is a gamble. There is no guarantee that the person you married will always honour their marriage vows.
What Sadhguru seems to be implying may work if the divorced person has no further need for companionship.
Yet this lady is clearly expressing her desire for a second shot at companionship.
Who are we to deny her that. Sadhguru's solution is very difficult to implement in real life. Especially in a conservative society like ours where a divorced woman is looked down upon and is vulnerable to exploitation

6 years 1 month ago

namaskaram sadhguru... we as a volunteers have to take pledge to take to u all the people inthe world.. that too u r with ur body... pranams.

4 years 5 months ago

Stupid replies! ! If u haven't remarry yet, remarry tomorrow only if u found the match. Don't worry about the consequences

6 years 1 month ago

Sadhguru is not saying that child is a project... Instead he is saying that the process of bring up a child or nurturing him is a project... And by the way to whom the hell you are teaching, that how you should be like human..? He is the one who has realised, what it means to be human... I think that you have got to work with your logical memory...

6 years 1 month ago

namaskaram guru
that women whatever cause break her first life partner, not for his son , she need companionship for her rest of her life; don't blame mistake of that women alone, male wont think about family or not even care about anything , simply they left out and choose another life, but next partner , she should be very conscious in selecting right person, if not better be alone , wishes to her with blessings of guru

5 years 8 months ago

No, I think not. You are echoing the harmful and wrong stereotype that all divorced people long for sex and are deprived of it. That's a very narrow view of marriage and human relationships

6 years 1 month ago

He says that because the woman asking the question had a son. He didnt mean any gender discrimnination.. In fact he has brought up his own daughter that way...

4 years ago

Sadhguru may have replied to a women, but the message in answer is universal. Stereotyping all men with a skewed vision is what I see in your reply which is grossly inappropriate.What if the question was asked by a man in a similar manner? Would you have replied that women do not care for anything and leave for another partner ? Moreover I could not find anywhere Sadhguru blaming the women for any mistake. What has happened cannot be undone is a universal truth. The question was for the present & future.

6 years 1 month ago

You were right in the first place if you meant Sadhguru is immortal. And so are we and His entire effort is making us realize our infinite immortal nature. And with His grace it is happening as a silent revolution. No drums or big celebrations announcing names but people are flowering into their true nature through Isha.

6 years 1 month ago

Amazing insight Sadhguru.......There are consequences for doing as well as not doing anything.......However if one is stuck in deciding whether to do or not do.......best thing is to keep quiet and ponder upon Master's words until the INNER BEING presents clarity.....Jai Sadhguru ......_()_

5 years 7 months ago

For those who are aware, there are couples who make children just for the sake of status or showing off. In most society children have been brought up by their immediate environment like family, neighbors, teachers, friends of parent(s) and their own friends and their parents. Sadhguru has told many things about raising children, it makes sence. That's it! I can relate to his lectures because i am divorced with a son who lives with his father, his father tried new relations, son witnessed quarrels which affected him too. I was finished with men. When time is right prince charming will gallop to me or meet me chalte chalte .... or maybe never. Just chill and enjoy my freedom.

6 years 1 month ago

Namaskaram Sadhguru I can deeply understand what you are saying because I am in that same situation. I am a diverced mother with a 10 yr old daughter. In my situation, in our society girl baby is something different to handle. Even after 8 years of diverce I still cant handle this life. What to do Sadhguru.

4 years ago

I consider his a absolutely great guy!

6 years ago

I completely agree with you Tarun, father and mother difference should not be in gender point of view. But still we are living in a society, that it looks in terms of gender, I wish in future it should change.

6 years 1 month ago

Mortals? So Sadhguru is abnormal in some way? i think calling him immortal is a total disrespect for everything he's lived for! It's just the wrong word to use. You would understand his message if you look at life carefully enough.

5 years 6 months ago

Dear Uma,

To all who think they have the right to judhe you, just make them read this blog of Sadhguru-ji. If they don't understand such easy explanation then you are way ahead in time and the simplicity of life like raising your sweet daughter all by yourself. Ask yourself who is stronger-minded? I know it's you and your daughter. Learn from her, listen what she says and watch her attitude. No one will match her and your quality. Be proud because one day she will surprise you. If a kind, loving and nurturing man will make a difference in your life, then it will happen. Demeaning society or casts,are not worth to exist. If you would ask them to show you where it is written what they are accusing you of, they shut down coz it's not written anywhere! Waste of time. Stay strong, power to both of you and all in your situtation or worse.

6 years 1 month ago

Wow..... few questions... to start with.. I guess her child is six and not eight. Moving forward, she said she is deprived of love.. so she didn't end her marriage thinking she will never remarry.. she ended because being single was better than being with that man (just an assumption) second, may be when bearing the child she didnt know her marriage would break.. and now she is single and no matter what she does, her son would always feel without a father when his friends' parents will come to pick them. And how can u call a child a project? it's not a project. It's a human being whom you nourish with your blood and bone whom you love and care for. So if the child wants a father he wants a father. And more than child wanting a father, the lady needs someone who can love her and make love to her without calling her characterless. Let her take the chance and let her fall in love. Let her have a life. May be the first one was a pain.. .. I am sure the next one would be her prince charming.

3 years 11 months ago

This is an interesting question indeed. I feel that the reality is like this - If the lady was really in the "spiritual" path, this question would not have arose in the 1st place. The reason that there is a question means there is an intense desire and longing to have another relationship (physical and emotional both). Now, the reason she is asking the master this question in itself is ironic, because of the societal norms, traditions and culture, seeking re-marriage for her is difficult. So therefore, going to the master is for her to seek solace (and possible confirmation) that she should get re-married. In reality, the lady's mind has already made the choice to pursue another partner and I feel that the master is fully-aware of what is going in the lady's mind. But - the master, being who he is, his greatness, his wisdom, he is trying to bring the lady's mind to an awareness of the current reality as it is, and do not be persuaded by one's senses, do not bring the son in the middle as a reason for one to getting re-married. If you have there will be consequences and if you are OK then that is fine.) What surprises me most here is that people who have already "made" up their mind to pursue the material lifestyle, why even show "I am spiritual, I want to be spiritual" by going to a master and trying to get his agreement on this. Don't you think he knows? Don't you think the master knows what goes in one's minds? That is why he is the master - the master of the mind, believe me, he will know. All I am saying here is that, for people who wish to pursue material aspect - that is fine, no problems whatsoever, I do not see any significance bringing spirituality inside this to make re-marriage a "pious" act. I don't see anything wrong with it if you wish to do so, many do and many are living "happily", but living "happily" is not again the same as living a life spiritual, a life dedicated to find the ultimate (these things are two different aspects of life and reality, if one were to ask me) AUM PEACE :)

5 years 11 months ago

Lady chose a self righteous and
Most judgemental guy to ask such a personal and emotional question

6 years 1 month ago

Why " Make the boy in such a way that he neither needs you nor his father".

Why not girls, why can't they be independent?

5 years 4 months ago

That project is meant commitment idiot. Regardless she marries or not she is the mother & guardian hence she is responsible towards the child until he can stand on his own feet. On she being a wife to someone else is another responsibility she has to carry and deal with. What Sadhguru tried to implement is she has to decide and make her own choices and take full responsibility and not in anyway weigh it on the child. It is her very own experience and life to go with. Thanks

6 years 1 month ago

I agree... Shouldnt say mortals. Maybe I should say "yet to evolve" people like me (Even us is wrong!). I have definitely understood the message. All I am saying that it is still tough to implement (Doesnt mean its wrong. Just tough to implement).

5 years 11 months ago

Sadly, Remarrying is still not a very viable option for a divorced lady in the Indian society today. As he said, the chances of it going well are less. Having said that, why is Sadhguru so judgmental about the lady? He seems to be accusing the lady for having a desire for companionship and a fatherly figure for her son! It is true that she should put her son before anything else.. What if she was abused by a husband who was promiscuous or alcoholic and cared nothing for the family? Why can't she have another chance? Ancient Indian system reinforced self control and restraint for both men and women so that they indulge in spiritual activities more.. Today, imagine a single mother with her son with no security, financial and emotional support.. If it were a man remarrying, it would be 'understandable' but why not a woman? I am so disappointed by the way he has approached the issue.. A true yogi is always full of unconditional love and empathetic towards others as he sees God in all ... Probably my post will never see daylight ..whoever is reading this think rationally before blindly supporting anyone..listen to the God inside you.. if it were your daughter would you accuse her for her needs in such a situation?

6 years 1 month ago

Amazing insight indeed ! I am going to share this on Facebook. There will be someone out there in a similar predicament.

5 years 4 months ago

Why do you feel, he is accusing her or being judgemental? He clearly states that he is not questioning the reason for the divorce. I have seen his responses and Sadhguru never tries to solace the person. He tries to strengthen them by themselves (even if it means sounding harsh- which a third person like us feel).. All he is saying is that take your decision but be ready for whatever consequences follow and make the child strong and not dependent on parents (Not just the father: Note that even when both parents are present, children tend to become dependent on one or the other,- it is the approach of parenting that needs to be changed)... Again, it is not easy, but thats the way it should be, however harsh it may sound...

6 years 1 month ago

Sadhguru goes ballistic with his ill-advises, without realizing that it is sex she is striving for in the name of remarriage and she wants it (sex) badly. Moreover, whether it is today's world or the world gone by, children continue to come unplanned. Sex possesses you with such great vigor that planning to have sex for babies is out of question.

5 years 8 months ago

But we don't know if she voluntarily break her marriage or she was dumped. it is expected from her that she carries out her responsibility of being a mother towards her son & keeps her own happiness & need at the back burner. but at the end of 20 years project when the child leaves her to pursue his own life, who will fill the void in her life? Can we deny the need of a life partner in one's life?

6 years 1 month ago

This is the fundamental problem which Sadhguru often talks about. Why do you want to judge about someone's life. The lady in the question just told that she is divorced and she wants to know if its a good idea to get another companion for the rest of her and her child' life. Not anything else. No mention about her first husband, his behavior, any abuse and why the divorce happened. I think this a classic example of Sadhguru's saying 'Experience the life as it is'.....Don't attach any good or bad to it...

4 years 6 months ago

I hope she don't make the same mistake as I did getting married the second time which was also a failure. As I have made the wrong move I have to stay put on this marriage for my two boys I don't want to break up the family and hurt them as I feel guru says having kids is a project of 20 years if you have commited you have to be responsible. So make sure you choose the right partner who is really willing to comit to you for life

6 years 1 month ago

My bad i didn't read the questions, i think i made a honest question but not to insult anyone, i see girls think they are very dependent on others throughout the life and my strong feeling is that they are bought up like that(not because they are girls), thats why i had to raise a question in such a haste manner.

5 years 8 months ago

guruji I don't claim to be your disciple, but ever since I chanced upon Isha foundation website, I have been constantly following you. read several articles of yours. so powerful are your words. absolutely non judgemental, full of compassion. you have answer to every question on this earth.
but guruji I am not able to believe that the reply given to this helpless lady on her dilemma of remarriage is your own words. if your reply is bothering me so much how hard it may be to the person who sought your advice & got to read this reply

6 years 1 month ago

If you had to ask.. then

4 years 6 months ago

The second marriage shall work or not totally depend on the nature of both just as the first marriage. I think that the women getting some difficulties in day-to-day decisions & want someone close to help her.I think if she is financially strong she should not go for second marriage.Fulfilling the responsibility of the child is much better than taking liability of another man and his family. Sadhguru truly said "Thinking just one more marriage will settle the child is a very wrong idea"

6 years 1 month ago

The best gift to a child is to live your life in an authentic loving way. By being there for yourself you are being there for the child. He/she will over time appreciate that you have a life too. This does not mean the child is secondary. To thrive and survive one must be able to adapt and cope. Children pick up on your energy - you can't hide and lie. This would set the child on a difficult path. Children want support, love and encouragement. They will respect your life and choices if give them a chance. Their understanding will evolve over time and be more clear as they get older.

5 years 8 months ago

Namashkar Everyone who are on this discussion board. The discussion is on two aspects of life ie 1st Commitment towards are children till the time they are mature enough to start taking there own dicision. 2nd is about whether we are single mother,divorced or even married couples who does'nt have time for thief children. This is our conciousness what we want and how we are going to make our life as well our siblings life more joyfull. For that purpose we have to understand ourself and accordingly we have priorities our life.

6 years 1 month ago

The context of the talk is about a mother and her boy. Your silly mind has started its tricks and imagines discrimination of girl vs boy. Put your mind to rest as Sadhguru says.

4 years 6 months ago

Respect and Disrespect is not in mere words.