Like a New-born Baby
I couldn't believe it was finally happening, the moment I had been waiting for, for almost 3 years… It wasn't the way I thought it would be, I wasn't the way I thought I should be…but it was something else, something so much more, so much bigger than what I could ever have imagined.
Throughout our silence, I was in disbelief… "Is this really happening to me? I'm finally going to get initiated." I kept counting the days, "Okay, 14 days…hmmm - is it tomorrow? What will they do? Where will we go?" The suspense was killing. Many times, I couldn't even focus on my sadhana … I just kept thinking, "What next?"
The sadhana, the silence was indescribable, it was as if every day something was being shed, something was being left behind, some cleansing was happening. I was emerging cleaner, stronger, more stable. More ready. But still my stupid mind was racing non-stop. If only it would have stopped for a few seconds, maybe I could have savored this and been more sensitive to it.
The night before the initiation, it was so good to see Sadhguru and have Him talk to us. His vision of what this means, what this means to the future of humanity (and not just for myself) just reinforced what a big responsibility this is, and at the same time what a tremendous privilege to receive it, and that too from Him. And when He spoke about His vision for the whole of humanity, how He wants to offer a spiritual process which will touch as many people as possible, I was left in tears. What else is there to do but this, to offer myself to this?
When he said something along the lines that this could be the fire that could burn you up if you allow it to, I wanted that, I wished I would be in the best way to receive it. I couldn't sleep much that night.
The day of the initiation was a mixture of total calm, nervousness, expectation, love, and tremendous gratitude to all the beings who were working to make this happen. A sense of being part of a "family" - but not in the usual way… Everyone walked us through the whole process so patiently and lovingly.
There was no fear of going through with it, but just that "Will I be able to live up to it? Will I be able to put my nonsense aside and really be the way He wants us to be?" I had been struggling within myself with some attachments. Finally, in a moment of frustration, I just left it to Him, saying that this is how I am right now, I'm not going to pretend to be above it. And guess what - they disappeared!
I can never forget the day of the initiation. The setting, Sadhguru, the Brahmacharis, the Dhyanalinga, everything set to make me something more than what "I" am right now.
In many ways, I'm carrying this feeling like I'm a new born baby - no past baggage, a new name, a new sense of clarity and purpose, a new intensity - and my Master's Grace coursing through me. This feeling that I'm no ordinary Brahmachari, but initiated by Him - what a big responsibility I have to live up to. Each day, each moment of my life, with each breath I take, I have to remind myself and live up to it.
- Maa Dakshina, Isha Brahmacharini
With twinkling eyes
and titillation in my heart
Amused and charmed by the glitters of the world
feet were approaching to conquer starry forts
Disguised, Sadhguru infiltrated my life
His unboundedness and immensity
took me across my limited identity
In overwhelming awe and wonder
I bowed down and surrendered
Glittering forts seemed so trivial, a fantasy
I choked within with utter insufficiency
Toiled in vain to bask in the innermost core
my thirst and longing became a cold sore
To dwell and abide in an eternal shrine
I embraced Brahmacharya, the path of divine.